Vindicated but crabby...

Yep, there it was - on my 3rd x-ray - healing tibial stress fracture! Finally!! I was beginning to feel like such a big baby - I knew something was wrong but my doc kept saying he couldn't see that anything was wrong (other than "arthritis"). He wouldn't ok a bone scan because he said it didn't act like a stress fracture and insisted I see a podiatrist before an orthopedist. So, one month later, almost to the day, I am finally diagnosed and will finally get to see the ortho (almost like it matters now). The pain has improved by about 60-70% in the past week and looking at a usual prognosis, I hope that I will be told I can start walking/running in another 2-3 weeks so it's definately a relief to a) have a concrete diagnosis, b) see a specialist and c) let go of the idea that I am just a big wuss (my body knows the truth but my head doesn't cut me much slack).

I am crabby with my doc, because he didn't seem to take my concerns seriously. I know he was just looking at things empirically but the symptoms and mode of injury fit, even if the location of pain didn't (his explanation being that most stress fractures are in the foot). In fairness, the podiatrist didn't think it was a fracture either at first, he was ready to chalk it up to tendonitis but I hounded him into taking some more pictures and there it was - smiling brilliantly.

I'm mostly mad at myself - to some degree because I wasn't more assertive with my doc. He is generally easy going and will order just about anything I ask for so when he balked at a bone scan I was surprised. I don't know if pushing him would have done any good, but I didn't so... I'm left with the feeling that I want to hand deliver the podiatry report to his office and say nyah nyah, told ya so.

The good from the bad...

Blessings in disguise are kind of like the gods delivering a lesson to you and saying nyah nyah, we told ya so. Part of me still wants to be angry with myself for what is ultimately an unnecessary injury - I did too much, too fast - classic. I got down on myself because I didn't think I was doing what "a runner" should be doing. I was mortified at the thought of running with other people and having to take a walk break, I was terrified of the idea of running a 5K and coming in last, I was embarrassed by how long it took me to run a mile. All of these expectations and comparisons I placed on myself – impatience!

So I am learning to run by not running, and I hope to be a better runner for it. Redefining myself as a runner will be an ongoing project, I imagine – moving slowly, learning patience, forgiving myself. Hopefully not to rule out working hard, testing my limits, pushing myself, finding ways to improve – but smarter (please, I hope I can be smarter).