Vindicated but crabby...

Yep, there it was - on my 3rd x-ray - healing tibial stress fracture! Finally!! I was beginning to feel like such a big baby - I knew something was wrong but my doc kept saying he couldn't see that anything was wrong (other than "arthritis"). He wouldn't ok a bone scan because he said it didn't act like a stress fracture and insisted I see a podiatrist before an orthopedist. So, one month later, almost to the day, I am finally diagnosed and will finally get to see the ortho (almost like it matters now). The pain has improved by about 60-70% in the past week and looking at a usual prognosis, I hope that I will be told I can start walking/running in another 2-3 weeks so it's definately a relief to a) have a concrete diagnosis, b) see a specialist and c) let go of the idea that I am just a big wuss (my body knows the truth but my head doesn't cut me much slack).

I am crabby with my doc, because he didn't seem to take my concerns seriously. I know he was just looking at things empirically but the symptoms and mode of injury fit, even if the location of pain didn't (his explanation being that most stress fractures are in the foot). In fairness, the podiatrist didn't think it was a fracture either at first, he was ready to chalk it up to tendonitis but I hounded him into taking some more pictures and there it was - smiling brilliantly.

I'm mostly mad at myself - to some degree because I wasn't more assertive with my doc. He is generally easy going and will order just about anything I ask for so when he balked at a bone scan I was surprised. I don't know if pushing him would have done any good, but I didn't so... I'm left with the feeling that I want to hand deliver the podiatry report to his office and say nyah nyah, told ya so.

The good from the bad...

Blessings in disguise are kind of like the gods delivering a lesson to you and saying nyah nyah, we told ya so. Part of me still wants to be angry with myself for what is ultimately an unnecessary injury - I did too much, too fast - classic. I got down on myself because I didn't think I was doing what "a runner" should be doing. I was mortified at the thought of running with other people and having to take a walk break, I was terrified of the idea of running a 5K and coming in last, I was embarrassed by how long it took me to run a mile. All of these expectations and comparisons I placed on myself – impatience!

So I am learning to run by not running, and I hope to be a better runner for it. Redefining myself as a runner will be an ongoing project, I imagine – moving slowly, learning patience, forgiving myself. Hopefully not to rule out working hard, testing my limits, pushing myself, finding ways to improve – but smarter (please, I hope I can be smarter).

Let's start with the fun stuff...

Just prior to leaving on vacation, I had the opportunity to do some white water rafting up north of me on the Black River, which is a Class III-IV (on 1-6 rating scale). From what I was told, the water was at a good level (high enough to have some good rapids, but not too overwhelming for a beginner like me). Thanks to the skill of our guide, we mostly just had to paddle like hell when ordered to do so and no one fell out and we hit no rocks. It was so great - I would do it every weekend if I could (afford it!), but boy was I sore for a few days afterward!


This was coming up on the biggest rapid of the day, called "The Crusher."


Heading into it (I am the second on the right - mouth wide open :D - I was counting strokes, not screaming, I swear!). My son is face down in the middle of the boat after getting knocked over by a wave.


I guess this was the climax! We are covered with water but we never lost the boat or had anyone fall out (though one guy came very close). One of the other boats in our group lost nearly everyone over the side on this rapid (no injuries).

Props to Reba yet again:
At the very beginning of the trip, the guide said that we needed a battle cry for each time we conquered a rapid - so with paddles raised above our heads, in heady defiance of peril, mother nature, and common sense - ONWARD it was! Thanks girl!!

Back in the real world...

No fracture, no stress fracture, some improvement. The Dx is "degenerative joint disease" (read: arthritis) and bone spurs on my achilles tendon. The pain finally began to subside 3 days ago and I haven't had to have the naproxen today. There's still pain but it is most definately lessened and that does my spirit good. I will be seeing a podiatrist and hope that there is a conservative way to address this.

Even though this Dx represents a chronic problem, I am actually relieved to discover that it's not an outright injury, but more of an exacerbation of a problem that already existed. Maybe that's strange, but it helps me to stop blaming myself. Also, the fact that this is something I will always have to be mindful of in the future, I will be forced to have patience and to be a little kinder to myself as I start running again.

Wretched soul searching (just a little)...

As I sit with my foot up, I've been reading No Need For Speed by John "the Penguin" Bingham. There was a part of me that, in the privacy of my own room, was embarrassed that I was reading it - like saying I accept that I may have limitations equalled I'm not good enough, I'm not a runner. As a person who wastes alot of time comparing myself to others, and making sure to find and highlight my shortcomings, I struggled during my short time running, with thinking of myself as a runner. Looking back, it was of such huge importance to me to not have to take walk breaks - that was my big IT - gotta ditch those walk breaks. Never mind that I added 3 minutes to my mile by trying to run it rather than taking short walk breaks periodically. I felt the need to rush it because I was worried that I was not a runner if I had to walk. Just about every chapter of John's book applied to me in regards to unrealistic goals, comparing yourself, and just finding the joy in just running.

What I'm slowly learning...

I am thinking that I am a runner - because all the time I have spent NOT running has committed me to running more than ever. The day I go out and walk one minute and run 15 seconds will be a very joyous day for me - and later down the road, I am ready to forgive myself in advance for taking walk breaks if I need to and remember how happy I am just to be running at all. I guess that's the nature of perspective - it's great to have it but it sucks to gain it.

Youth gone wild...

A couple of weeks ago, when my doc first mentioned arthritis in this troublesome ankle, I thought "dude, I am way too young to have arthritis!" Then I recalled the injury that likely led to my current debility - let's just say that I was in my early 20's, it was 3 or 4 in the AM, and I might have had an alcoholic beverage or two. Hopping on the old wooden bannister and sliding from second to first floor - side saddle style - seemed like a fun idea at the time. Being airborne for half the length of the staircase was fun too, until landing. The sprain was severe enough to cast and I was on crutches for 3 weeks. The funny part is, even though that ankle has bothered me at various times over the years - mostly going down stairs or in the AM when I get up (but infrequently) - I never made the connection between that long-ago injury and my current problems until the doc said "arthritis." The I was thinking: this totally makes sense, and now that I know, I can find a way to deal with it!! Anyway, the folly of youth comes back to bite me in the butt, yet again ;D

Not gone from the face of the earth...just in Ohio..

Off for a family reunion and back later next week. My good thoughts will be with everyone running, training, and racing this week!!

I know this is running blog and not 'Dear Diary' but...

This week was incredibly soul sucking. A co-worker of mine died suddenly and I am reeling. I am a hospice nurse, and I spend my days with death and dying, and I am reminded always that each next moment cannot be predicted, and that it is only a single moment in which everything can change, and all those other poetic things about the nature of life and death and impermanence, but I am so blown away right now that there's really nothing existential to contemplate but overwhelming sadness.

Latest breaking ankle news (no pun intended)...

Ankle x-ray was negative for (evident) fracture but did show arthritis. Frankly, that doesn't surprise me as I sprained it badly years ago and there were times, later, when I was doing martial arts that there was weakness there. I don't, however, think that arthritis is the source of the problem as I am still feeling no improvement with the pain. I have been taking ibuprofen 3xday for possible inflammation and that blunts the pain but does not resolve it. I am seeing the doc (not the nurse practitioner this time) on Monday and intend to ask for a bone scan and sports med referral. Even if it is "only" arthritis, I want to find out how to run safely on it again.

Still a runner in my fantastical brain...

Reading running books, running mags, running blogs, thinking about running, talking about running (in spite of the fact that the response I get is "look where running got you"). Despite the fact that I continue to not be able to run, as time goes on, I feel more and more relaxed - accepting that I can't do it now but feeling more sure that I will again! Meanwhile I guess I ought to drag-ass that old bike out of the basement and stop sitting around waiting!

Waiting...

Had the ankle x-rayed this afternoon but probably won't hear anything till well into tomorrow as my doc is swamped with the short week. Saw the NP and she really couldn't suggest a problem just by eyeballing the ankle. She gave me a script for naprosyn but I will likely not fill it. While I recognize that the anti-inflammatory effects could help with healing, I also know myself WAY too well and I know that despite my logical mind knowing full well better, if the pain is relieved artificially and the ankle is feeling better - I'll be out running on it. Stupid, maybe (or definitely), but the benefit of my pain is that it places limits on me that I don't have the god-given sense to place on myself.